Democrats Say Virus Will Cause Panic If They Have Anything To Say About It [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Democrats say the coronavirus is causing a tremendous panic throughout America or it will if they have anything to do with it.

A sobbing Chuck Schumer, who seems to have a job in the government somewhere, said in a speech to anyone who would listen, “This could cause more deaths than the repeal of net neutrality. We can all remember how that created apocalyptic scenes of people dying in the streets, begging for just one small drop of neutrality to keep them going while Republicans laughed heartlessly, then slaughtered the few survivors by pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord.  And okay, that only happened in Democrat speeches, but with the coronavirus it could all be real, or at least we can always hope.”

Congressman Adam Schiff woke up in a state of Christmas-like wonder to discover that the Trump Administration was actually facing a crisis that he hadn’t personally created.

Schiff, in a statement released to his favorite fluffy Teddy Bear named Chuck Todd, said, “This isn’t like all that crap we made up during impeachment about the constitution being in danger or whatever garbage we were spewing. This is real. People could actually get sick and die. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!” Schiff then danced around the living room in his plaid onesie until it was time to have a hot cup of cocoa.

Although there are currently only a few cases of the virus in the U.S., President Trump has sent a request to Congress for emergency funds to handle any further outbreak, but Democrats say it’s not enough because Trump forgot to include billions of dollars in waste and graft, and without waste and graft, what’s the point of being a Democrat?

Some Democrats are also protesting because Trump has secured the borders, lessened our dependence on China and brought home manufacturing jobs, all of which could slow the advance of the virus in the homeland, which Democrats say is unfair and ruins all the fun.