White Woman Claims She Invented the Hair Bonnet, Black Twitter Tells Her to Go Back to Wypipostan

A white woman may have secured her spot in the Columbusing Hall of Fame after claiming that she invented an accessory used by black women ever since Earline Jackson delayed her escape to the Underground Railroad by informing Harriet Tubman:

“Hold up. I forgot my hair bonnet.”

In an article with Fashion Magazine, entrepreneur Sarah Marantz Lindenberg claims she “came up with the idea” of a “washable silk head wrap” that prevents breakouts and preserve hairstyles.

“My concept came out of a problem that needed solving,” explained Marantz, who founded the company, NiteCap, to sell her so-called “invention” that was already being used by millions of black women every day. “It inspired me to create something of my own.”

What she “created” was basically a version of the same headwrap that has been included in the late-night booty-call kit invented in 1906 by inventor Madame CJ Walker’s less successful sister, LaKeisha Walker. To be fair, the difference between Lindenberg’s bonnet and the one worn by Erykah Badu, India.Arie and 92.8 percent of the women who have ever been on a “natural hair journey” is that Lindenberg sells her bonnets for $98, which is a—

Wait…that can’t be right. Let me double-check that price. There’s no way someone is paying a whole Benjamin for a bonnet. That would be just…

Oh, I forgot...white people.

But Lindenberg’s bonnet is different. First of all, it’s “organic,” which means…OK, I don’t know what the hell that means. I thought all silk was organic. But maybe Becky the Bonnetmaker knows about a secret Monsanto robot silkworm experiment. Or perhaps she is part of a plot to start a Trans-Atlantic silkworm trade. I bet Sarah is a silk supremacist.

Lindenberg does, however, offer a few uses for her headwrap that black women have probably never thought of, including wearing them to the gym, stopping her hair from curling at night due to night sweats and (I swear this is true)—supporting “the regrowth of all the little baby hairs” she had.

Edges, Sarah. They are called “edges.”

Needless to say, after a lengthy vote, Black Twitter decided that her white nonsense was grounds for a vicious roasting:

Others, however, read the article and suggested that the article’s author probably should have done a little more research rather than taking Silkworm Sarah’s word that she invented something that has been around since before the Kardashian clan invented trends like cornrows “Bo Derek braids,” big lips, Biggie T-shirts and people liking big butts (we cannot lie, although other news sites try to deny).

However, we here at The Root would never attempt to erase Lindenberg’s success at gentrifying headscarves. Using Lindenberg’s logic, we would also like to highlight some of the little-known discoveries and inventions made by colonizing innovators:

• Jazz: A musical form invented by groundbreaking saxophonist Kenny G in 1982.
• Lazy black people looking for handouts: A concept created by white people who discovered it while lazy black slaves worked on plantations for free.
• Brooklyn: A New York City borough discovered by white people after a 2004 rezoning.
• Freedom: Invented by the slave-owning Founding Fathers including George Washington, who vigilantly pursued Ona Judge, a runaway slave, until her death, even trying to re-enslave the woman and her children.
• Rock & Roll: Invented by Elvis and perfected by the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.
• Living Single: A hit sitcom renamed Friends created by NBC featuring Ross, Chandler, Phoebe...umm…I think there was a Kate and a Chad, too (I have never seen a full episode).
• Christianity: A great story about a blonde, blue-eyed hippie from the Middle East.
• America: Discovered in 1492 when bumbling explorer Christopher Columbus landed in the West Indies, not once setting foot on the North American continent.

This article should not be interpreted as disparaging to Sarah Marantz Lindenberg and NiteCap. Our only intention is to inform generations of black women, some of whom may be reading this article wearing unsanctioned, bootleg bonnets, that they should go out and buy the official version. As your grandmother was teaching you how to tie a headwrap, I’m sure she also told you another important lesson.